singleness

singleness [part 2]: the idol revealed...
continued from the post ... singleness:how do i feel about it...i have and serve a marriage idol. i have held marriage as in idol in my life. it is something that we are trained to want from the time we are young. i think it starts with disney. :) to be happy and to live a fulfilling life, you grow up and get married. this is how it works and this is the goal. for as long as i can remember, this has been on my radar. but as i have gotten older, rather than just hoping for it, i have found myself grasping for it. questioning why the lord has not brought it to me yet and then rather than trusting him, i resort to my own solutions. "be more approachable." "dress this way." "be skinnier." "be funnier." "you are too picky." "put yourself out there more." etc. and when marriage didn't happen, i would just move on to the next solution becoming more and more enslaved to my idol.now, because being discontent with god is a sin and because i wanted people to think i was fine, i would cover this idol with spiritual things and twist verses like:
"delight yourself in the lord and he will give you the desires of your heart." psalm 37:4"to the unmarried and the widows i say that it is good for them to remain single as i am. but if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. for it is better to marry than to burn with passion." 1 corinthians 7:8-9i would try to make god into my genie or force him into letting me marry. of course, i completely believe that these verses are true, and i believe that my god wants to give me good things and bless me, but he was also quick to show me what was wrong with my motives. if i am completely honest, most of the time, i am not delighting in the lord and who he is (like i was proclaiming). rather i am delighting myself in the idea of godly marriage and using him to get it. though i would never admit it, my desire to be married exceeded my desire for the lord and i held marriage as the end all. i would be happier or more fulfilled if only i had that. and that, my friends, is called idolatry. and as far as that verse about burning with passion, well the lord basically told me that through his spirit i have self-control, so i needed to quit making excuses.i have faked being content with singleness many times. there have been some times in life where i have been close, but i have never been able to fully let go and believe that i was going to be okay, until recently. so to fake this contentment, i have explained it away. i have made excuses for the lord keeping me single for quite some time. i would say things like, "i am so glad the lord has me single right now so i can do this ministry or these things. i would not be able to if i was married." this is completely true, but i was just using them to cover my greatest fear. i did not really believe them and i was for sure not able to rejoice in the gift of singleness. occasionally, i even allowed myself to think i was somehow better because i was single. i had to endure more than those that were married. i basically was just making a martyr of myself.this has helped hold me over and at times i actually meant it, but the truth is, i was far from content. i found comfort in these spiritual excuses. i needed something to make myself feel better as my friends and women i walked with or even discipled got married and and started having kids. but clearly this was not the answer to my problem. though i have used these techniques for years, i finally gave in and started examining this great fear of mine. why was i so terrified?



singleness [part 3]: the deep rooted fears...
continued from the post... singleness]: the idol revealed...as i have learned to trust the lord more, i finally became okay with examining why i was so afraid of being single. there are two main fears that lie behind my inability to be content with singleness.fear

# 1: something is wrong with methere has to be a reason i am not married, so something must be wrong with me. perhaps i am just not ready or i am too independent. socially awkward. unattractive. too strong. you name it, it has crossed my mind. this lie that something is wrong with me is self-imposed but fed quite regularly by the enemy and compounded with promised solutions in the world. some times it can be fed by those around me who treat me differently because i am not married and cannot understand their life. sometimes, i feel like just a young kid waiting to grow up and be an adult. my friends have all spun the wheel in the game of life successfully and i am still one pink peg in the station wagon waiting for my turn. to add even more doubt, there are others who love me but who feel sorry for me and want to know why i am not married. i begin to ask that same question and my only answer is that something has got to be wrong with me. this of course is not true.the correct answer to why i am not married is that god has not written this as part of my plan. but that is too scary and out of my control because what if is never part of my story?????? so i will refuse to believe it and come up with tangible solutions that i can do something about. but over the last few months the lord has been chipping away at this fear. i had to admit it first and quit trying to fix it on my own. he has shown me that in him, i lack no good thing! that his spirit resides in me. that though i have flaws and many things to work on, he is refining me. that i am fully loved and accepted by him, not because he feels sorry for me, but because he has chosen me! i am his beloved!! and for the first time in my life, i found that more satisfying that the affirmation of another person. that i was normal, a sinner, but not some weird person beyond being loved. fear

#2: i am missing something huge in life...as i continued searching through my fears, i realized that i still held marriage as some magical end all in life. that if i did not get married i was going to miss out on something so big that it would be detrimental to me and my life experience. that my desires would never be fulfilled and i would be in want for the rest of my single/miserable existence. yes, of course i will miss out on certain experiences if i never get married , but the lord has been faithful to show me that he will satisfy all of my desires, even physical desires. i had heard this before, but i always thought the people that said it were weirdos. however, i have actually found it to be true. when i trust in him, delight in him, and fear him, i will lack no good thing and he will indeed satisfy me.

the thing that makes this hard to believe is that he does not always satisfy my desires with what i want or in the way i want. since things do not go down as i thought they would, i panic and fear that god will not come through and i will always be lacking something. i forget the scriptures and the promises he has made to me in his word. i refuse to believe them because they are not coming true the way i want or in a way i can see.so the root of this fear, is that i do not believe in my heart that the lord will take care of me and that he is indeed enough apart from his blessings. that he loves me, that he can satisfy my desires, etc. so rather than trusting, i hold onto this idea of marriage as the end all - half looking for god to satisfy my desires and half looking and hoping they will be satisfied in a man. all of this is of course under the mask of delighting myself in the lord.

singleness [part 4]: the fight...
since i have begun to let go of my marriage idol, i have really begun to experience this abundant life. it is like a weight has been lifted. i am not constantly analyzing things or having to worry about putting myself out there. i don't have to worry about saying the exact right thing to get his attention. i trust that if the lord has someone for me, he has written how it will come about and it does not depend on me doing everything right. this has been a huge burden lifted!so if i am content with being single, am i called to be single for the rest of my life? maybe. but as i said in my first post on this matter, i have not discerned a direct call to be single from god for the rest of my life. he has not revealed that to me. i still think guys are cute and would like to be married to one. but through this journey, i have felt him calling me to be content with where he has me and quit lusting for something else. more than being content with being single, i have felt him calling me to be content with him. anything that i have to say "i love you lord, but i really need _______ to be happy and fulfilled," is an idol. be it marriage, money, kids, sex, a job, or whatever. i have heard many women say that even once you are married, the lack of contentment does not go away, it just changes shape. it takes on the form of little humans or big houses. so more than worrying about the semantics of being called to be single, i long to be content with my savior and my god. marriage, kids, a house, a job, etc none of them are the end all in life - MY LORD IS!
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