it did not come easy

it did not come easy.


i will not lie and say i did not toss and turn about it.


i asked God to make me willing.


i asked God to open my heart.




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i went.


with my own eyes "i saw".


i saw so much beauty, pain, but all wrapped up in need.


my heart was so open i left wounded.


i wanted to run somewhere and pretend i has not seen such life.


i wanted to forget the stories i heard.


i wanted to forget the eyes that had looked at me with hope.


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as much as i wanted to.


i chose to not.


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i thought of the boy i met.


i thought what would be best for him.


i thought of how my heart was just handed to me.


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i thought about how weak i am.


i thought about how our life was in a good place.


i thought about how how our kids were happy.


i thought about how i was happy.


i thought about all the obstacles.


i thought about the money.


i thought our families would not accept it.


i thought adoption would be too hard.


i thought i might not be a good adoptive mom.


i thought i might not love him like i should.


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after so much time thinking it became simple.


we have love, we have a house, we are a family, we can be his family.


all my fears subsided.


we will give this one boy a family.


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i chose to adopt because God opened my heart.


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i will not lie and say that adoption has been easy.


it has been hard.


we have never had to give so much.


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BUT.......

this is what loving like Jesus is, right?

sacrifice?


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what i have read about him was raw and hard and honest.
he loved so much that he literally died so that i could have life.
all i did was invite this little boy to live in our already life.


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our life was not meant to be easy.
it was not meant to be about us.
that is what the American Dream tries to tell us.
actually life was meant to be shared, to be given.
this crazy hard season is life.
we have never served another more.
this is ministry.
the kind you don't get paid for. the kind people don't see.


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-Debra " the sunshine chronicles"