Friday, July 30, 2010
Friday, July 23, 2010
Are you Waking Up?
The Jesus I used to serve......is the one I made up myself.
That's what I realized when I read this book.
Radical- David Platt
This book..... WHOA! That's all I have to say.
No that's not true!!! I have a lot to say! This book ROCKS IT!
I was concerned when I started reading this book. I won't lie. I'm not always a fan of "social justice" books and I was afraid this was another one of those.
IT IS NOT ONE OF THOSE!
This book is, pure and simple, about JESUS! This book is about the gospel. THE WHOLE GOSPEL! This book is a hard look at the truth of Christ and holding up our lives to the light of that truth.
It's not about orphans or poverty or justice- although those are a part of it. It's not about churches and mission trips- but those things are addressed. This book is SOLELY about JESUS and what HIS heart is for those things.
I realize looking back over my years that the view I had of God was so little. I so desperately wanted Jesus to be safe- one dimensional.
Jesus is anything but safe- anything but shallow.
you MAY have gone through a similar process of struggling. Some of you have walked through this entire process with me THROUGH this blog.
For me it went something like this...
I have cared for years- since I was a small child. I cared, I truly did, I just wasn't aware of the magnitude of what was out there beyond the American bubble. I had been on mission trips, lived overseas and yet still I didn't fully get it. Maybe it was because I was young.
Maybe it's because I didn't really want to know.
What I did know with all my heart is that God wanted me to adopt. So we started our process to bring Zoe home and..
...my American dream came crumbling, crashing, hurling toward the ground.
All the walls I had built so carefully to protect myself were gone the instant I loved this little girl.
For me it went something like this...
I have cared for years- since I was a small child. I cared, I truly did, I just wasn't aware of the magnitude of what was out there beyond the American bubble. I had been on mission trips, lived overseas and yet still I didn't fully get it. Maybe it was because I was young.
Maybe it's because I didn't really want to know.
What I did know with all my heart is that God wanted me to adopt. So we started our process to bring Zoe home and..
...my American dream came crumbling, crashing, hurling toward the ground.
All the walls I had built so carefully to protect myself were gone the instant I loved this little girl.
Suddenly the pain, the abuse, the fear, the poverty, the hunger, the crime.... it wasn't removed or far away...
it was MY LITTLE GIRL!
Now I could look at each of those children in pain and feel in my heart that they were somebody's child, somebody's treasure.
it was MY LITTLE GIRL!
Now I could look at each of those children in pain and feel in my heart that they were somebody's child, somebody's treasure.
It all changed. Deep inside my soul I could feel how God felt when He looked at the reality of sin and despair and saw His people doing NOTHING.
Ohhhh.... that moment.... when the scales came off my eyes... when I broke out of the Matrix and simultaneously
LOST MY MIND!
I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't live like everything was OK! I felt LIKE SCREAMING,
"IT'S NOT OK PEOPLE!!!"
Ohhhh.... that moment.... when the scales came off my eyes... when I broke out of the Matrix and simultaneously
LOST MY MIND!
I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't live like everything was OK! I felt LIKE SCREAMING,
"IT'S NOT OK PEOPLE!!!"
I couldn't quit crying for months. I was broken, shattered, in tiny shards on the ground. I was exactly where God wanted me. This was the place ONLY He could rebuild me.
I struggled and fought against God. All at once issues of sovereignty and God's will felt very real and personal. It now seemed issues of theology weren't just theories to be discussed. They were things I DESPERATELY needed to know.
During that year, (anyone who knows me knows it as "The Guatemala Year"), I WOKE UP! It wasn't that I hadn't had it in me all these years. Somewhere in me I had always had this DNA. That was the year God said, "WAKE UP ANGEL!" And I did... I heard Him. I woke up.
What I saw disturbed me, frightened me, angered me, disgusted me.
There were times I wanted to go back to my American dream land. BUT how could I?
You can't go back.
It's a one way ticket down the rabbit hole.
So at first my heart went ORPHANS!! THIS IS ABOUT ORPHANS!! This is what's been missing.... and I was right... but not really. God used orphans to show me the whole picture.
Slowly, I began to see it. Over time rather than seeing the picture I began to see the html, the matrix, the code. Does that make sense??
The comforts of life that had previously appealed to me made me sick to my stomach. Slowly, the things that had terrified me I was willing to dive into for the sake of something much bigger than myself.
Soon it wasn't just about orphans.
It was about glorifying God.
It was about brokenness and sin. It was about OUR adoption. It was about our slavery to sin and our freedom as beloved children of God.
Eventually I realized the power of the radical life God was asking me to lead. Not only was I being the hands and feet of Christ... more significantly God was using this to GLORIFY HIMSELF!
I guess during my "Guatemala Year" I thought maybe being a Christian, sold out for Jesus, meant you were gonna be sad. After all, I was crushed completely.
I am grateful that I was wrong. My awakening was 4 years ago. These past 4 years I have slowly been learning about compassion- walking into pain. I have slowly been learning about the power of joy. I have seen how entering into someone's pain brings joy that CAN NOT be explained except through the power of Christ.
I struggled and fought against God. All at once issues of sovereignty and God's will felt very real and personal. It now seemed issues of theology weren't just theories to be discussed. They were things I DESPERATELY needed to know.
During that year, (anyone who knows me knows it as "The Guatemala Year"), I WOKE UP! It wasn't that I hadn't had it in me all these years. Somewhere in me I had always had this DNA. That was the year God said, "WAKE UP ANGEL!" And I did... I heard Him. I woke up.
What I saw disturbed me, frightened me, angered me, disgusted me.
There were times I wanted to go back to my American dream land. BUT how could I?
You can't go back.
It's a one way ticket down the rabbit hole.
So at first my heart went ORPHANS!! THIS IS ABOUT ORPHANS!! This is what's been missing.... and I was right... but not really. God used orphans to show me the whole picture.
Slowly, I began to see it. Over time rather than seeing the picture I began to see the html, the matrix, the code. Does that make sense??
The comforts of life that had previously appealed to me made me sick to my stomach. Slowly, the things that had terrified me I was willing to dive into for the sake of something much bigger than myself.
Soon it wasn't just about orphans.
It was about glorifying God.
It was about brokenness and sin. It was about OUR adoption. It was about our slavery to sin and our freedom as beloved children of God.
Eventually I realized the power of the radical life God was asking me to lead. Not only was I being the hands and feet of Christ... more significantly God was using this to GLORIFY HIMSELF!
I guess during my "Guatemala Year" I thought maybe being a Christian, sold out for Jesus, meant you were gonna be sad. After all, I was crushed completely.
I am grateful that I was wrong. My awakening was 4 years ago. These past 4 years I have slowly been learning about compassion- walking into pain. I have slowly been learning about the power of joy. I have seen how entering into someone's pain brings joy that CAN NOT be explained except through the power of Christ.
There is NOTHING I do that brings me greater joy than obedience to my Father.
Our Father is a defender of widows, orphans and strangers.
He is not SAFE!
He is GOOD!
If you hear His voice He WILL ask you to do things that are not comfortable, are not rational, are not the norm in America.
If your God never asks you to do anything that stretches you, scares you, makes you EXTREMELY uncomfortable, I would read the gospels- study Jesus- and ask,
"Who IS my God?"
Are we really serving the God of the Bible or one we have created?
If we TRULY LISTEN and obey like little children, where will He lead us?
If you have woken up, are waking up, want to wake up.... I beg you to read this book.
If you have woken up, are waking up, want to wake up.... I beg you to read this book.
Are you waking up?
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
it's not about me
"The message of Christianity is that God loves me." Or someone might say, "The message of Christianity is that God loves me enough to send his Son, Jesus, to die for me."
As wonderful as this sentiment sounds, is it biblical? Isn't it incomplete, based on what we have seen in the Bible? "God loves me" is not the essence of biblical Christianity. Because if "God loves me" is the message of Christianity, then who is the object of Christianity?
God loves me.
Me.
Christianity's object is me.
Therefore, when I look for a church, I look for music that best fits me and the programs that best cater to me and my family. When I make plans for my life and career, it is about what works best for me and my family. When I consider the house I will live in, the care I will drive, the clothes I will wear, the way I will live, I will choose according to what is best for me. This is the version of Christianity that largely prevails in our culture.
But it is not biblical Christianity.
The message of the biblical Christianity is not "God loves me, period," as if we were the object of our own faith. The message of biblical Christianity is "God loves me so that I might make him - his ways, his salvation, his glory, and his greatness - known among all nations." Now God is the object of our faith, and Christianity centers around him. We are not the end of the gospel; God is.
- quote from "Radical" by David Platt
As wonderful as this sentiment sounds, is it biblical? Isn't it incomplete, based on what we have seen in the Bible? "God loves me" is not the essence of biblical Christianity. Because if "God loves me" is the message of Christianity, then who is the object of Christianity?
God loves me.
Me.
Christianity's object is me.
Therefore, when I look for a church, I look for music that best fits me and the programs that best cater to me and my family. When I make plans for my life and career, it is about what works best for me and my family. When I consider the house I will live in, the care I will drive, the clothes I will wear, the way I will live, I will choose according to what is best for me. This is the version of Christianity that largely prevails in our culture.
But it is not biblical Christianity.
The message of the biblical Christianity is not "God loves me, period," as if we were the object of our own faith. The message of biblical Christianity is "God loves me so that I might make him - his ways, his salvation, his glory, and his greatness - known among all nations." Now God is the object of our faith, and Christianity centers around him. We are not the end of the gospel; God is.
- quote from "Radical" by David Platt
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Doubt
“Christianity places a premium on the absolute truthfulness and trustworthiness of God, so understanding doubt is extremely important to a Christian. Of course, faith is much more than the absence of doubt, but to understand doubt is to have a key to a quiet heart and a quiet mind. Anyone who believes anything will automatically know something about doubt. But the person who knows why he believes is also in a position to discover why he doubts. The Christian should be such a person. Not only does a Christian believe, he is a person who ‘thinks in believing and believes in thinking,’ as Augustine expressed it. The world of Christian faith is not a fairy-tale, make-believe world, question-free and problem-proof, but a world where doubt is never far from faith's shoulder. Consequently, a healthy understanding of doubt should go hand in hand with a healthy understanding of faith. We ourselves are called in question if we have no answer to doubt. If we constantly doubt what we believe and always believe-yet-doubt, we will be in danger of undermining our personal integrity, if not our stability. But if ours is an examined faith, we should be unafraid to doubt. If doubt is eventually justified, we were believing what clearly was not worth believing. But if doubt is answered, our faith has grown stronger still. It knows God more certainly and it can enjoy God more deeply.” (pp. 15-16).
“Problems strike us all differently. What is trivial to one person may raise titanic questions for someone else. Some people face doubt only if they find no answer; others trigger doubts merely by raising questions. What puzzles a philosopher and taxes his mind to distraction may look completely irrelevant or quite obvious to a businessman. The point is not to judge who is right, but to meet and resolve whatever doubt is a problem to a particular person” (p. 32).No matter what level of doubt we face, living in constant doubt is not where we want to live our lives. But neither should be automatically feel guilty and sinful for all doubting thoughts. The reality is that doubt is inevitable in the Christian life. Guinness writes, “In the same way assurance of faith depends on our grasp of God and his faithfulness and not on a mastery of all the doubts that are ever likely to assail us. Otherwise faith could never be assured while one last doubt remained” (p. 33).
“What is more, faith, like health, is best maintained by growth, nourishment and exercise and not by fighting sickness. Sickness may be the absence of health, but health is more than the absence of sickness, so prevention is better than cure. Equally, faith grows and flourishes when it is well nourished and exercised, so the best way to resist doubt is to build up faith rather than simply to fight against doubt” (pp. 33-34).
In Two Minds: The Dilemma of Doubt and How to Resolve It by Os Guinness
http://www.sovereigngraceministries.org/Blog/category/Doubt.aspx
“Problems strike us all differently. What is trivial to one person may raise titanic questions for someone else. Some people face doubt only if they find no answer; others trigger doubts merely by raising questions. What puzzles a philosopher and taxes his mind to distraction may look completely irrelevant or quite obvious to a businessman. The point is not to judge who is right, but to meet and resolve whatever doubt is a problem to a particular person” (p. 32).No matter what level of doubt we face, living in constant doubt is not where we want to live our lives. But neither should be automatically feel guilty and sinful for all doubting thoughts. The reality is that doubt is inevitable in the Christian life. Guinness writes, “In the same way assurance of faith depends on our grasp of God and his faithfulness and not on a mastery of all the doubts that are ever likely to assail us. Otherwise faith could never be assured while one last doubt remained” (p. 33).
“What is more, faith, like health, is best maintained by growth, nourishment and exercise and not by fighting sickness. Sickness may be the absence of health, but health is more than the absence of sickness, so prevention is better than cure. Equally, faith grows and flourishes when it is well nourished and exercised, so the best way to resist doubt is to build up faith rather than simply to fight against doubt” (pp. 33-34).
In Two Minds: The Dilemma of Doubt and How to Resolve It by Os Guinness
http://www.sovereigngraceministries.org/Blog/category/Doubt.aspx
Parenting, Identifying, and Disciplining
"Son, this is not a foreign topic to your dad. We are fellow sinners both in need of a savior.”
So I want to do two things. I want to try to introduce my son to a study that isn’t correction specific to an occasion. I want to study the heart, I want to study anger, I want to study idolatry, unrelated to an occasion where I am bringing discipline, so that the study hopefully can have the most effect. I want to engage in a study from Scripture. I want to choose age-appropriate material. I want to choose appropriate passages. And then my study with my son is supplemented by stories from my life, because I do the same thing. I don’t cry anymore like a child but I know how to cry in adult ways. I want my child to know that no matter what the category, I can identify.
So let’s say for my son fear of man would be a category. “Well, your dad is just as familiar with that, son, and here are the ways fear of man will play out in my life today.” Not “Here are the ways fear of man played out when I was 16.” No—“Here are the ways fear of man is a real temptation to your father this week.” I think by humbling myself, I hope I make it easier for him to receive from me, so that when I say “Listen,” it’s not “Listen to your self-righteous father who is angry at you because he doesn’t understand why it requires this kind of attention to help you to see how stupid a video game is.”
It is too easy for me to view my son’s form of idolatry as childish, but in essence, at root, there is no difference between our idolatries. His expression is consistent with a 12 year old, mine is consistent with a 56 year old, but in essence it’s no different. Therefore I must make sure my heart is softened by my own sinful tendencies. I don’t want the study to be punitive, I don’t want it to be (if possible) connected or related to discipline, because I think that can make it more difficult for a child to comprehend and to be convinced I have their best interest at heart. I want to supplement it with my own stories.
At 12 years old I would want to start leaving your son with questions to consider rather than pronouncements. But from 12 years old on up, it is far more complicated than when they are younger. For a toddler, discipline is pretty simple. You are not having to work through heart issues. It is a blatantly ethical world, at that age, nothing but right/wrong, yes/no. But as they get older you want to draw your child in and give him an opportunity to think about his own heart, think about it in relation to material, think about it in relation to Scripture, think about it with time for the Spirit to possibly convict.
You are not bringing every conversation to a conclusion that he must agree with. With your restrictions, you want to explain why you are doing what you are doing. Restrictions are important. We are fully for restrictions as long as the purpose is explained—so your child doesn’t think this is just punitive action we are taking in your life without explanation, without a why, without a purpose. We want to create an alternative. We want to anticipate this temptation, anticipate this restriction and [ask] what alternative can we present to wean our child from that particular form of idolatry.
Helping our children identify idols is hard work. Your son may grow out of his love for video games, but he will not grow out of the idol factory in his heart. So as parents, we need the Lord’s help, and we can be confident that he will lead and guide us as we serve and lead our children with the gospel.
http://www.sovereigngraceministries.org/Blog/post/Video-Games-Idols-and-Your-Childs-Heart.aspx
So I want to do two things. I want to try to introduce my son to a study that isn’t correction specific to an occasion. I want to study the heart, I want to study anger, I want to study idolatry, unrelated to an occasion where I am bringing discipline, so that the study hopefully can have the most effect. I want to engage in a study from Scripture. I want to choose age-appropriate material. I want to choose appropriate passages. And then my study with my son is supplemented by stories from my life, because I do the same thing. I don’t cry anymore like a child but I know how to cry in adult ways. I want my child to know that no matter what the category, I can identify.
So let’s say for my son fear of man would be a category. “Well, your dad is just as familiar with that, son, and here are the ways fear of man will play out in my life today.” Not “Here are the ways fear of man played out when I was 16.” No—“Here are the ways fear of man is a real temptation to your father this week.” I think by humbling myself, I hope I make it easier for him to receive from me, so that when I say “Listen,” it’s not “Listen to your self-righteous father who is angry at you because he doesn’t understand why it requires this kind of attention to help you to see how stupid a video game is.”
It is too easy for me to view my son’s form of idolatry as childish, but in essence, at root, there is no difference between our idolatries. His expression is consistent with a 12 year old, mine is consistent with a 56 year old, but in essence it’s no different. Therefore I must make sure my heart is softened by my own sinful tendencies. I don’t want the study to be punitive, I don’t want it to be (if possible) connected or related to discipline, because I think that can make it more difficult for a child to comprehend and to be convinced I have their best interest at heart. I want to supplement it with my own stories.
At 12 years old I would want to start leaving your son with questions to consider rather than pronouncements. But from 12 years old on up, it is far more complicated than when they are younger. For a toddler, discipline is pretty simple. You are not having to work through heart issues. It is a blatantly ethical world, at that age, nothing but right/wrong, yes/no. But as they get older you want to draw your child in and give him an opportunity to think about his own heart, think about it in relation to material, think about it in relation to Scripture, think about it with time for the Spirit to possibly convict.
You are not bringing every conversation to a conclusion that he must agree with. With your restrictions, you want to explain why you are doing what you are doing. Restrictions are important. We are fully for restrictions as long as the purpose is explained—so your child doesn’t think this is just punitive action we are taking in your life without explanation, without a why, without a purpose. We want to create an alternative. We want to anticipate this temptation, anticipate this restriction and [ask] what alternative can we present to wean our child from that particular form of idolatry.
Helping our children identify idols is hard work. Your son may grow out of his love for video games, but he will not grow out of the idol factory in his heart. So as parents, we need the Lord’s help, and we can be confident that he will lead and guide us as we serve and lead our children with the gospel.
http://www.sovereigngraceministries.org/Blog/post/Video-Games-Idols-and-Your-Childs-Heart.aspx
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Legacy
“Resolution One: I will live for God. Resolution Two: If no one else does, I still will.”
-Jonathan Edwards
"Real pain can alone cure us of imaginary ills."
- Jonathan Edwards
Jonathan Edwards was born in 1703 in East Windsor, Connecticut. He attended Yale University at age 13 and later went on to serve as president of the college of New Jersey (now Princeton). When he was just 20 years old he wrote a list of personal resolutions. Among them was "ask myself, at the end of every day… wherein I could possibly, in any respect, have done better."
In no area was Edwards' resolve stronger than in his role as a father. Edwards and his wife Sarah had eleven children. Despite a rigorous work schedule that included rising as early as 4:30 a.m. to read and write in his library, extensive travels, and endless administrative meetings, he always made time for his children. Indeed, he committed to spending at least one hour a day with them. And what if he missed a day because he was traveling? He diligently made up the hour when he returned.
Numerous books have been written about Edwards' life, his work, and influence on American history and his powerful professional legacy. But the legacy that Edwards would probably be most proud of is his legacy as a father.The scholar Benjamin B. Warfield of Princeton has charted the 1,394 known descendents of Edwards. What he found was an incredible testament to Jonathan Edwards. Of his known descendents there were 13 college presidents, 65 college professors, 30 judges, 100 lawyers, 60 physicians, 75 army and navy officers, 100 pastors, 60 authors of prominence, 3 United States senators, 80 public servants in other capacities including governors and ministers to foreign countries, and one vice-president of the United States.
The story of Jonathan Edwards is an example of what some sociologists call the "five-generation rule." How a parent raises their child – the love they give, the values they teach, the emotional environment they offer, the education they provide – influences not only their child but the four generations to follow. What fathers do, in other words, will reach through the next five generations. The example of Jonathan Edwards shows just how rich that legacy can be.
In no area was Edwards' resolve stronger than in his role as a father. Edwards and his wife Sarah had eleven children. Despite a rigorous work schedule that included rising as early as 4:30 a.m. to read and write in his library, extensive travels, and endless administrative meetings, he always made time for his children. Indeed, he committed to spending at least one hour a day with them. And what if he missed a day because he was traveling? He diligently made up the hour when he returned.
Numerous books have been written about Edwards' life, his work, and influence on American history and his powerful professional legacy. But the legacy that Edwards would probably be most proud of is his legacy as a father.The scholar Benjamin B. Warfield of Princeton has charted the 1,394 known descendents of Edwards. What he found was an incredible testament to Jonathan Edwards. Of his known descendents there were 13 college presidents, 65 college professors, 30 judges, 100 lawyers, 60 physicians, 75 army and navy officers, 100 pastors, 60 authors of prominence, 3 United States senators, 80 public servants in other capacities including governors and ministers to foreign countries, and one vice-president of the United States.
The story of Jonathan Edwards is an example of what some sociologists call the "five-generation rule." How a parent raises their child – the love they give, the values they teach, the emotional environment they offer, the education they provide – influences not only their child but the four generations to follow. What fathers do, in other words, will reach through the next five generations. The example of Jonathan Edwards shows just how rich that legacy can be.
I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else. - C. S. Lewis
A man can no more diminish God's glory by refusing to worship Him than a lunatic can put out the sun by scribbling the word, 'darkness' on the walls of his cell. - C. S. Lewissingleness
singleness [part 2]: the idol revealed...
continued from the post ... singleness:how do i feel about it...i have and serve a marriage idol. i have held marriage as in idol in my life. it is something that we are trained to want from the time we are young. i think it starts with disney. :) to be happy and to live a fulfilling life, you grow up and get married. this is how it works and this is the goal. for as long as i can remember, this has been on my radar. but as i have gotten older, rather than just hoping for it, i have found myself grasping for it. questioning why the lord has not brought it to me yet and then rather than trusting him, i resort to my own solutions. "be more approachable." "dress this way." "be skinnier." "be funnier." "you are too picky." "put yourself out there more." etc. and when marriage didn't happen, i would just move on to the next solution becoming more and more enslaved to my idol.now, because being discontent with god is a sin and because i wanted people to think i was fine, i would cover this idol with spiritual things and twist verses like:
"delight yourself in the lord and he will give you the desires of your heart." psalm 37:4"to the unmarried and the widows i say that it is good for them to remain single as i am. but if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. for it is better to marry than to burn with passion." 1 corinthians 7:8-9i would try to make god into my genie or force him into letting me marry. of course, i completely believe that these verses are true, and i believe that my god wants to give me good things and bless me, but he was also quick to show me what was wrong with my motives. if i am completely honest, most of the time, i am not delighting in the lord and who he is (like i was proclaiming). rather i am delighting myself in the idea of godly marriage and using him to get it. though i would never admit it, my desire to be married exceeded my desire for the lord and i held marriage as the end all. i would be happier or more fulfilled if only i had that. and that, my friends, is called idolatry. and as far as that verse about burning with passion, well the lord basically told me that through his spirit i have self-control, so i needed to quit making excuses.i have faked being content with singleness many times. there have been some times in life where i have been close, but i have never been able to fully let go and believe that i was going to be okay, until recently. so to fake this contentment, i have explained it away. i have made excuses for the lord keeping me single for quite some time. i would say things like, "i am so glad the lord has me single right now so i can do this ministry or these things. i would not be able to if i was married." this is completely true, but i was just using them to cover my greatest fear. i did not really believe them and i was for sure not able to rejoice in the gift of singleness. occasionally, i even allowed myself to think i was somehow better because i was single. i had to endure more than those that were married. i basically was just making a martyr of myself.this has helped hold me over and at times i actually meant it, but the truth is, i was far from content. i found comfort in these spiritual excuses. i needed something to make myself feel better as my friends and women i walked with or even discipled got married and and started having kids. but clearly this was not the answer to my problem. though i have used these techniques for years, i finally gave in and started examining this great fear of mine. why was i so terrified?
singleness [part 3]: the deep rooted fears...
continued from the post... singleness]: the idol revealed...as i have learned to trust the lord more, i finally became okay with examining why i was so afraid of being single. there are two main fears that lie behind my inability to be content with singleness.fear
# 1: something is wrong with methere has to be a reason i am not married, so something must be wrong with me. perhaps i am just not ready or i am too independent. socially awkward. unattractive. too strong. you name it, it has crossed my mind. this lie that something is wrong with me is self-imposed but fed quite regularly by the enemy and compounded with promised solutions in the world. some times it can be fed by those around me who treat me differently because i am not married and cannot understand their life. sometimes, i feel like just a young kid waiting to grow up and be an adult. my friends have all spun the wheel in the game of life successfully and i am still one pink peg in the station wagon waiting for my turn. to add even more doubt, there are others who love me but who feel sorry for me and want to know why i am not married. i begin to ask that same question and my only answer is that something has got to be wrong with me. this of course is not true.the correct answer to why i am not married is that god has not written this as part of my plan. but that is too scary and out of my control because what if is never part of my story?????? so i will refuse to believe it and come up with tangible solutions that i can do something about. but over the last few months the lord has been chipping away at this fear. i had to admit it first and quit trying to fix it on my own. he has shown me that in him, i lack no good thing! that his spirit resides in me. that though i have flaws and many things to work on, he is refining me. that i am fully loved and accepted by him, not because he feels sorry for me, but because he has chosen me! i am his beloved!! and for the first time in my life, i found that more satisfying that the affirmation of another person. that i was normal, a sinner, but not some weird person beyond being loved. fear
#2: i am missing something huge in life...as i continued searching through my fears, i realized that i still held marriage as some magical end all in life. that if i did not get married i was going to miss out on something so big that it would be detrimental to me and my life experience. that my desires would never be fulfilled and i would be in want for the rest of my single/miserable existence. yes, of course i will miss out on certain experiences if i never get married , but the lord has been faithful to show me that he will satisfy all of my desires, even physical desires. i had heard this before, but i always thought the people that said it were weirdos. however, i have actually found it to be true. when i trust in him, delight in him, and fear him, i will lack no good thing and he will indeed satisfy me.
the thing that makes this hard to believe is that he does not always satisfy my desires with what i want or in the way i want. since things do not go down as i thought they would, i panic and fear that god will not come through and i will always be lacking something. i forget the scriptures and the promises he has made to me in his word. i refuse to believe them because they are not coming true the way i want or in a way i can see.so the root of this fear, is that i do not believe in my heart that the lord will take care of me and that he is indeed enough apart from his blessings. that he loves me, that he can satisfy my desires, etc. so rather than trusting, i hold onto this idea of marriage as the end all - half looking for god to satisfy my desires and half looking and hoping they will be satisfied in a man. all of this is of course under the mask of delighting myself in the lord.
singleness [part 4]: the fight...
since i have begun to let go of my marriage idol, i have really begun to experience this abundant life. it is like a weight has been lifted. i am not constantly analyzing things or having to worry about putting myself out there. i don't have to worry about saying the exact right thing to get his attention. i trust that if the lord has someone for me, he has written how it will come about and it does not depend on me doing everything right. this has been a huge burden lifted!so if i am content with being single, am i called to be single for the rest of my life? maybe. but as i said in my first post on this matter, i have not discerned a direct call to be single from god for the rest of my life. he has not revealed that to me. i still think guys are cute and would like to be married to one. but through this journey, i have felt him calling me to be content with where he has me and quit lusting for something else. more than being content with being single, i have felt him calling me to be content with him. anything that i have to say "i love you lord, but i really need _______ to be happy and fulfilled," is an idol. be it marriage, money, kids, sex, a job, or whatever. i have heard many women say that even once you are married, the lack of contentment does not go away, it just changes shape. it takes on the form of little humans or big houses. so more than worrying about the semantics of being called to be single, i long to be content with my savior and my god. marriage, kids, a house, a job, etc none of them are the end all in life - MY LORD IS!
http://thisfastpacedlife.blogspot.com/2010_01_01_archive.html
continued from the post ... singleness:how do i feel about it...i have and serve a marriage idol. i have held marriage as in idol in my life. it is something that we are trained to want from the time we are young. i think it starts with disney. :) to be happy and to live a fulfilling life, you grow up and get married. this is how it works and this is the goal. for as long as i can remember, this has been on my radar. but as i have gotten older, rather than just hoping for it, i have found myself grasping for it. questioning why the lord has not brought it to me yet and then rather than trusting him, i resort to my own solutions. "be more approachable." "dress this way." "be skinnier." "be funnier." "you are too picky." "put yourself out there more." etc. and when marriage didn't happen, i would just move on to the next solution becoming more and more enslaved to my idol.now, because being discontent with god is a sin and because i wanted people to think i was fine, i would cover this idol with spiritual things and twist verses like:
"delight yourself in the lord and he will give you the desires of your heart." psalm 37:4"to the unmarried and the widows i say that it is good for them to remain single as i am. but if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. for it is better to marry than to burn with passion." 1 corinthians 7:8-9i would try to make god into my genie or force him into letting me marry. of course, i completely believe that these verses are true, and i believe that my god wants to give me good things and bless me, but he was also quick to show me what was wrong with my motives. if i am completely honest, most of the time, i am not delighting in the lord and who he is (like i was proclaiming). rather i am delighting myself in the idea of godly marriage and using him to get it. though i would never admit it, my desire to be married exceeded my desire for the lord and i held marriage as the end all. i would be happier or more fulfilled if only i had that. and that, my friends, is called idolatry. and as far as that verse about burning with passion, well the lord basically told me that through his spirit i have self-control, so i needed to quit making excuses.i have faked being content with singleness many times. there have been some times in life where i have been close, but i have never been able to fully let go and believe that i was going to be okay, until recently. so to fake this contentment, i have explained it away. i have made excuses for the lord keeping me single for quite some time. i would say things like, "i am so glad the lord has me single right now so i can do this ministry or these things. i would not be able to if i was married." this is completely true, but i was just using them to cover my greatest fear. i did not really believe them and i was for sure not able to rejoice in the gift of singleness. occasionally, i even allowed myself to think i was somehow better because i was single. i had to endure more than those that were married. i basically was just making a martyr of myself.this has helped hold me over and at times i actually meant it, but the truth is, i was far from content. i found comfort in these spiritual excuses. i needed something to make myself feel better as my friends and women i walked with or even discipled got married and and started having kids. but clearly this was not the answer to my problem. though i have used these techniques for years, i finally gave in and started examining this great fear of mine. why was i so terrified?
singleness [part 3]: the deep rooted fears...
continued from the post... singleness]: the idol revealed...as i have learned to trust the lord more, i finally became okay with examining why i was so afraid of being single. there are two main fears that lie behind my inability to be content with singleness.fear
# 1: something is wrong with methere has to be a reason i am not married, so something must be wrong with me. perhaps i am just not ready or i am too independent. socially awkward. unattractive. too strong. you name it, it has crossed my mind. this lie that something is wrong with me is self-imposed but fed quite regularly by the enemy and compounded with promised solutions in the world. some times it can be fed by those around me who treat me differently because i am not married and cannot understand their life. sometimes, i feel like just a young kid waiting to grow up and be an adult. my friends have all spun the wheel in the game of life successfully and i am still one pink peg in the station wagon waiting for my turn. to add even more doubt, there are others who love me but who feel sorry for me and want to know why i am not married. i begin to ask that same question and my only answer is that something has got to be wrong with me. this of course is not true.the correct answer to why i am not married is that god has not written this as part of my plan. but that is too scary and out of my control because what if is never part of my story?????? so i will refuse to believe it and come up with tangible solutions that i can do something about. but over the last few months the lord has been chipping away at this fear. i had to admit it first and quit trying to fix it on my own. he has shown me that in him, i lack no good thing! that his spirit resides in me. that though i have flaws and many things to work on, he is refining me. that i am fully loved and accepted by him, not because he feels sorry for me, but because he has chosen me! i am his beloved!! and for the first time in my life, i found that more satisfying that the affirmation of another person. that i was normal, a sinner, but not some weird person beyond being loved. fear
#2: i am missing something huge in life...as i continued searching through my fears, i realized that i still held marriage as some magical end all in life. that if i did not get married i was going to miss out on something so big that it would be detrimental to me and my life experience. that my desires would never be fulfilled and i would be in want for the rest of my single/miserable existence. yes, of course i will miss out on certain experiences if i never get married , but the lord has been faithful to show me that he will satisfy all of my desires, even physical desires. i had heard this before, but i always thought the people that said it were weirdos. however, i have actually found it to be true. when i trust in him, delight in him, and fear him, i will lack no good thing and he will indeed satisfy me.
the thing that makes this hard to believe is that he does not always satisfy my desires with what i want or in the way i want. since things do not go down as i thought they would, i panic and fear that god will not come through and i will always be lacking something. i forget the scriptures and the promises he has made to me in his word. i refuse to believe them because they are not coming true the way i want or in a way i can see.so the root of this fear, is that i do not believe in my heart that the lord will take care of me and that he is indeed enough apart from his blessings. that he loves me, that he can satisfy my desires, etc. so rather than trusting, i hold onto this idea of marriage as the end all - half looking for god to satisfy my desires and half looking and hoping they will be satisfied in a man. all of this is of course under the mask of delighting myself in the lord.
singleness [part 4]: the fight...
since i have begun to let go of my marriage idol, i have really begun to experience this abundant life. it is like a weight has been lifted. i am not constantly analyzing things or having to worry about putting myself out there. i don't have to worry about saying the exact right thing to get his attention. i trust that if the lord has someone for me, he has written how it will come about and it does not depend on me doing everything right. this has been a huge burden lifted!so if i am content with being single, am i called to be single for the rest of my life? maybe. but as i said in my first post on this matter, i have not discerned a direct call to be single from god for the rest of my life. he has not revealed that to me. i still think guys are cute and would like to be married to one. but through this journey, i have felt him calling me to be content with where he has me and quit lusting for something else. more than being content with being single, i have felt him calling me to be content with him. anything that i have to say "i love you lord, but i really need _______ to be happy and fulfilled," is an idol. be it marriage, money, kids, sex, a job, or whatever. i have heard many women say that even once you are married, the lack of contentment does not go away, it just changes shape. it takes on the form of little humans or big houses. so more than worrying about the semantics of being called to be single, i long to be content with my savior and my god. marriage, kids, a house, a job, etc none of them are the end all in life - MY LORD IS!
http://thisfastpacedlife.blogspot.com/2010_01_01_archive.html
When Jesus Isn’t Enough
When I sat in his closet-sized home in the middle of Africa, I couldn’t take my eyes off the pathetic interior or ignore the dripping rain on my head.
I tried to not to imagine the “community toilet” he shared with neighbors adjoined by paper-thin walls or how far he walked each way to school everyday, in the dark, both ways.
The peace on his face was undeniable and the light that radiated from his eyes filled the dark room of his orphan-led home.
I didn’t understand how he could be so content with so little. And I couldn’t stop the question, “Why are you so happy? Why aren’t you afraid?”
He looked at me as if I’d missed it entirely and said, “Because I have Jesus.”
He didn’t say anything else. It was a heavy statement. It was enough.
He was right, I had missed it. Entirely.
I equate Jesus to comfort and blessings. And when I sat in a hovel, a young boy called home, void of every comfort, I was envious of his contentment.
I returned to a lifestyle with every blessing, only wanting more.
I add Jesus like salt and pepper to a tasteless dish.
He isn’t the main course, just an extra on the side.
Jesus isn’t enough for me.
I think about my happiness that is clouded with every storm that blows into my life. I think about my happiness that is contingent upon what I have versus what I want. I think about my happiness and the strings I attach to it.
I think about a young boy who taught me more about Jesus and myself in a single sentence than my entire Bible College degree and 37 years of living.
One of the great lessons I learned in Africa: When Jesus isn’t enough, something is wrong.
I’m on a quest to make it all about Jesus. It’s easy surrounded by the comforts of my American life to melt back into the The American Way-bigger is better, more is what matters.
This is a painful journey, but more than anything, I want Him to be enough for me.
Is Jesus enough for you?
If your happiness, like mine, is determined by how much or how little you have or the next exciting thing in your life, can I gently remind you to return to Him?
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